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Thursday, May 15, 2008

Carpe Diem?

They grow up by the minute, don't they? I was too busy recovering from back-to-back infections with high fevers, and shaking off painkillers after the surgery, that I missed many photo opps. of Baby Oggie during his first couple of weeks, but, am trying to tuck away the memories at least so I can hopefully retrieve them more reliably than the fickle machine holding my digital pictures...

During the night feedings, every 2-3 hours, I simply let my mind wander, reciting my favorite sloka verses, seeking spiritual fulfillment as I ponder on mysteries of Life and our Existence - mainly wondering why God makes us humans come into this world so ill-equipped and helpless... and try to relax as best as my bad posture would allow me to tolerate the shooting killing back and neck pain.

However, during the day feedings, I like to interact with Oggie till he gets drowsy and then read some favorite fiction while he tries to catch his 15-20 minutes of catnap about 4-5 times a day...

Yep, you are probably thinking what I am thinking: he didn't read the baby books that state authoritatively that babies his age should sleep 2-3 hour stretches 3-4 times during daytimes, not to mention the 6-hour-long sleeping-through-the-night :)

Anyway, that's how I managed to read two Terry Pratchetts, and re-read my favorite Wodehouse s over the last 6 weeks - while nursing Oggie. I am sticking to easy fiction and brilliant writing to get me through these early days, no morbid heart-wrenching works for me now - they can wait.

Now that Ana is home a lot as we need to save expenses, what with me being on unpaid maternity leave and all, I am beginning to feel evil for thinking that I can manage Oggie easily if only Ana were in daycare all the time during daytime... it is becoming quite a struggle to handle a willful 3-yr-old-who-misses-being-the-center-of-my-world, and a helpless little infant who relies on me entirely for his needs... something's gotta give when I am operating on one neuron firing erratically thanks to sleep-deprivation.

No, no, don't get me wrong, am not whining... far from it. I am just collecting the practicalities of becoming a second-time mom and trying to find a good balance so I am not looking back 10 years from now telling myself "I should have...", "I could have...", "I would have... if only..."

D has had to double up and work a lot- work late hours at the office (those deadlines don't care if he has a newborn at home), manage finances, even do some essential shopping so I don't have to lug a little girl and an infant everywhere... while I am grateful my parents are here to help, they are leaving soon and I need to learn to handle everything by myself nowadays...

I am rambling, aren't I? Well, I've been up since 4 a.m., with an unusually fussy Oggie (Reflux is the culprit) and just got him to take his first nap for the day and got Ana down for her quiet time and thought I must write my cogitation real-time...

I need to work out a plan to seize each day by its collar and shake the most out of it hereafter!

Living on Guilt for breakfast, Chaos for lunch, and Regret for dinner, with a good measure of Unrealistic Expectations and Desperate Helplessness for occasional snacks, it is a wonder many new moms remain sane and happy all the time. If they claim to be ecstatic, I want to know what secret substance they are imbibing :)

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At 12:53 AM, Blogger Poppins said...

They do, they so do. The picture is priceless. I can only shake my head in wonder and amazement at you Sheila. I wish I had 1/3 of your strength.

I hope you can get some more help and that your parents didn't have to go away so soon. Meanwhile, just hang in there, you're right it is so NOT glorious all the time. You have to just take it day by day and see where it goes.

Any mommies living closeby to you that you can hang out with? It will help you from being totally bogged down at home.


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