I had no inkling of what it really involved - the non-stop self-improvement that seems to be a natural by-product of motherhood.
Sure, I noticed that my mom cooks, works as a teacher, makes crafts, sews when she is in the right mood, takes us kids to exhibitions and fairs, tells us what to do and what not to do... in my rather naive mind back then, I thought all those were so easy and so natural that it was nothing special, nothing challenging, nothing to fret about when it was my turn.
And then, Ana came into my life.
When we found out about her, I was naturally focused on her safe arrival in our midst with no thought to what happens once she is here. I focused all my energy on the move - to get the house ready for Ana and us, while pushing aside the thoughts that lurk in the periphery about "future", indulging myself a bit on the naming conundrum.
And even when I rushed to the doctor with a severely wheezing 2 week old Ana, with all sorts of horrible thoughts in my head, it did not occur to me that I was doing what Nature has conditioned mothers to do - what we call instinct sometimes is carefully cultivated set of decisions based on centuries of accumulated knowledge programmed into us for our survival.
Despite all the education, I felt inadequate and incompetent when it came to raising this tiny little thing called Ana.
That's when I started blogging. And I found some wonderful blog friends, first-time mommies like myself, who shared similar thoughts and visited me and left supportive suggestions and observations and virtual hugs, giving me a chance to pop over to their space whenever I needed a different perspective.
Derisive jokes about "Mommy Bloggers" notwithstanding, I kept blogging as a sort of therapeutic release. Not for validation, not for an audience, not for any imagined obligation, not for adulation, but purely for the joy of chronicling and, at times, venting the pent up emotions that tend to sabotage my equanimity; to pause, reflect, and reevaluate on and off, to savor some wonderful childhood memories, as well as to relish those precious moments that might fade away with time...
And so, this Mother's Day, I send out my warmest wishes and gratitude to all the wonderful mommies I met via blogging and are now in my life as amazing resources and gracious friends.
Labels: mother's day