If I sound like a broken record...

It is not so much the waking getting up a few times every night to attend to Oggie that breaks me. It is the going back to sleep, or should I say, not going back to sleep, after settling Oggie down each night that is tearing me down.

Despite bone-weary tiredness (sitting on my rear staring at a monitor all day), the heart-wrenching (not to mention stomach-churning) baby-cries spur me out of the bed and into the kitchen to warm up the milk, get the bottle ready and hurry on to Oggie's side before he wakes poor Ana up.

Feeding, cuddling, settling him back down the first time each night happens in a relatively uneventful half-dazed state for the most part. I recite familiar slokams quietly, wishing fervently that tonight will be the night he would sleep through for the next 6 hours undisturbed as I carefully lay him back in his crib wrapped warmly in his baby blanket...

Pulling my quilt every which way till the draftiness in the back and the feet regions subside, I look at the clock and quickly close my eyes hoping to switch off and find myself in the dreamland.

Maybe I should pack a mini muffin and slices of peach along with Ana's lunch tomorrow... Did I transfer enough funds to cover that check I wrote yesterday... I should add lemon juice and borax to the list... Limbo might be a good store to look for licorice root and elecampane... I do want to make that potion for Oggie and Ana... Maybe this weekend I can take Ana and Oggie somewhere fun - IF the weather is good... Wasn't it cute when Ana asked "por-kwaa, Amma? por-kwaa Fancy Nancy got itchy?" when we were reading Fancy Nancy: Poison Ivy Expert at bedtime... I should introduce a few more French words just for fun... Wonder what Amma and Appa are doing now... Wonder if there is a better way to circumvent the validation issue without changing the library, I should try it tomorrow... (giggle) How does he come up with such things - 'egotesticle'?? Perfectly describes the man, though, quite funny... Am I still awake? What time is it now? Oh Dear! If I fall asleep right now I can still get about 4 hours, assuming Oggie sleeps through...

Wah! Waaaah! Waaaaaaaaaah!

Aarrghhh! Is he teething again? What did I feed him? Maybe it is just gas and he will settle back down...

Wah! Waaaah! Waaaaaaaaaah!

Oh Alright! I better pat him down before he wakes up fully...

After about an hour, I put the sleeping baby down and crawl back to bed.

Geez! Is it 3:40 already? I better get at least two hours now. Why is it so darn cold here? What happened to that fleece blanket? I could use another one under my quilt now... It's a good thing I wrap him up in his blanket and cuddle him - at least he won't scream and complain about the chillness of the crib when I put him back in... Hope Ana is warm enough... at least, she knows to pull her covers on if she gets cold... I can make oatmeal for Ana's breakfast tomorrow, Oggie likes it too... I was too mean and angry as a teenager... how did Amma and Appa let me get away with such behavior? Will I be as understanding and forgiving when Ana kicks and punches me with her teenage angst? Gosh, is it normal for me to be on such a short fuse these days? I should've done a second load of dishes, now the sink is going to get on my nerves in the morning rush... I should go through the photo prints and put them in albums one of these days... While I am at it, I should back up the digital pictures of the kids too... Maybe this summer I can try to take a few classes with Ana... hmmm... if I work there is no time for it, if I don't work, we certainly can't afford it... Oh Well, que sera sera... no point in getting upset now, just close the eyes and think of pleasant things...

Beep! Beep!Beep!Beep!Beep!Beep! Beep!Beep!Beep!Beep!

Darn Alarm! I am not ready to get up (whine)... ten more minutes please...

Ah well, maybe I can get to bed early this evening and catch up...

I wish I had the strength to still my wandering mind and accept the fewer hours of sleep as norm; take this gift of quiet nighttime to fortify the special bond with my son; set aside worries that are yet to be...

Easier said than done. Some studies show that the physiology and hormonal changes post-birth for some moms make it particularly difficult to remain upbeat and energetic. Especially for moms who get back to work soon after delivery. I don't need research to prove it, I am experiencing it myself...

If moms are supposed to be sweet-natured, ever-smiling beings who gently nurture their children through patience and self-control, then, shouldn't evolution have conjured up some extra-special genes for it? And then again, maybe it did and I just didn't get in line for it...