an all-too-familiar thorn...

The wise saffron-robed version of me that has been the little voice of reason through my adulthood is right. It is a luxury to even revisit this topic as often as I have been doing these past four years.

I firmly believe it is terribly selfish to think about just myself and how difficult it is for me when weighing the decision to work outside home.

Both D and I being extremely frugal, living within D's income has never been the issue...

It has always been clear to me that I need to share the family financial responsibility, not in any noble equal-rights kind of way, but, in an empathetic and considerate way - knowing how my supplemental income, however meager, takes that much weight off D's shoulders, giving him room to breathe and soar and pursue his interests, whatever they may be. Especially in these tough economic times when the earth can be pulled from under our feet without notice, like once before...

The challenge evidently has been to balance my responsibilities, manage the household, raise healthy, happy kids, and not crack under the strain.

The nagging question has always been: would I be the blithe and delightful mom that I hold as ideal, if I stayed home with my kids till they were ready for their formal education? And, by sending my kids away to daycare, am I depriving them of much-needed bonding time together?

No, it has never been a question of much-needed "love", because love is a way of life not something offered in installments at one's convenience; love is not whether I co-slept till they were teens or set them in their cribs from birth, whether I nursed them till they were five or weaned them off at one... Love is not something easily measured and quantified in such terms.

If I could indulge in Idle Thoughts... I wonder if I'd be the ever-smiling mommy with monumental patience and infinite cheer if I had some extra help around the house - like, what if I had a dedicated cook, an efficient maid for laundry and dish-washing needs, a spiffy housekeeper to shine and polish and pick up after the mess, a personal shopper at least for supplies and provisions, and a chauffeur to share my responsibilities?

Case in point: Our Washer broke a while back. After budgetary considerations, we've decided to replace it next month. We started getting the laundry done at a nearby laundromat.

Agreed there are advantages: Not only am I doing fewer (read bare-minimum) loads due to this encumbrance, I have been able to teach Ana not to pull out fresh clothes from her cubby, wear it for about 2 hours, and throw it in the hamper even if it is perfectly unsoiled/re-wearable. And, of course, this has made me extra sensitive to Oggie's messiness...

However, in addition to all the stuff I normally have to do, I am pretty miffed that now I have to find time to spend at the laundromat, and schedule it so I don't have to lug the kids there... or, leave it in D's able hands, if he can spare the time, that is.

Getting extra help to do what I consider my duty to run a smooth household seems moot especially when my Idle Thoughts also include How are you going to pay your little helpers?

It's not like I do everything around the house... D takes care of sending out the bills, taking out the garbage/recycling, fixing the toilet, unclogging the sink, cleaning kitty litterbox, mowing the lawn, weeding the garden, Costco/Winco runs and all those little things I would rather not do. By the same token, I cook, wash dishes, mop floors, vacuum the rugs/carpets, scrub bathtub, sinks and toilets, bathe/feed/entertain/nurture the kids, do the laundry and put them away in respective cupboards, darn/mend/sew buttons as needed... all those things that D would rather not do.

Seems fair. Except, whereas D's tasks require attention about once a week or once a month, mine seem to be in an endless daily loop...

It is possible that feminism kicked chivalry out the door. Perhaps that's why I feel guilty even daydreaming that D would offer to slave away for the rest of his life to give me and the kids everything we want, not just need, expecting nothing in return from us, except maybe our resplendent smiles.

I am digressing... or, more precisely, I am just rambling.

The more I think about how my mom's mom and her mom before her managed, the more apparent it becomes to me that it did indeed take a village to raise a child. Aunts, grannies and neighbors kept an eye on the kids while moms were busy either nursing their littlest, or fetching water from the nearby well, or pounding grains for the next meal, or weeding their fields, or hanging up the laundry in the clothesline, or any number of other chores that kept them busy throughout the day.

Admittedly, kids all over the world have been growing up fine despite well-intentioned parenting... and the evidence so far suggests that my kids have learnt so much more from their daycare than I could have taught them with my limited experience in guiding the cognitive, social and emotional development crucial at this early stage.

So, it still takes a village, but the village that is helping the contemporary mother raise her kids (for a steep fee, of course) happens to be the urban daycare with trained professionals... and I am at peace with this modern arrangement.

It is not as if mommies of yore didn't have a busy life even if they never stepped outside their homes. In fact, they probably had it tougher, what with no washer/dryer, blender/mixie, instant noodles or canned tomato sauce.

Why then, with all these labor-saving and time-saving devices at my disposal, am I so strapped for energy, patience, and spirit?

I seem to be on a short fuse a lot more than I need to be, and about 5-7 days a month I am positively volatile... and while it is easy to shove it down the Hormone throat, it does not make my life any easier balling up the guilt and soaking my pillow with salty tears.

I realize I am not all bad, I couldn't be, not with parents like mine who manage to bring out the best even from a lump of clay...

Despite conscious effort to untie the knot in my stomach, this teeny little side of me, the little black-and-red-robed storm-clouds-over-head lightning-bolts-shooting-from-fingertips part of me, refuses to be quelled once and for all... and therein lies my weakness, the thorn on my side that I haven't managed to dislodge...

With her unique perception and understanding, my mom time and again has tried to remind me that it is a matter of shifting one's thinking - irritation and confusion are by-products of dashed expectations - expectations set up asymmetrically, expectations that ignore realities while striving for an ideal - an ideal that is conjured up in my mind carelessly discounting my severe limitations...



Rock Balancing image courtesy Google search

the age-old battle...

A couple of points I have wondered about: 1) Women are biologically primed for child-bearing, child-nurturing/rearing etc. 2) society has defined Man's role as bread-winner/provider.

To be honest, before I had my own baby, I used to dismiss that as hogwash - in this day and age, roles can be reversed - so what if I am biologically birthing the baby, after birth I can hand over the baby to the husband and head out and be the bread-winner, right?

Wrong! At least in my case. The hormones and the surge of maternal biochemistry over which I seemed to have little control made it extremely tough for me to even leave my baby alone in another's care for longer than few hours (even though out of necessity I had to get back to work, leaving Ana in daycare).

Rational thinking flew out the door in a flash under the maternal surges I felt then. I was fiercely possessive, incredibly curious about raising my baby and quite determined to get it all right the first time around.

When Ana wouldn't sleep at night, I stayed up and fed her, rocked her, sang to her - even if it meant doing this every two hours pretty much all night and then heading out to a full-time job the next morning. Obviously within 3-4 months I was a mental wreck, close to nervous breakdown.

When I was not coping well with a new infant and having to get back to work (else we'd be deeper in debt or D would have to find a second job - thanks to the vagaries of IT industry), D quite frankly offered to be a SAHD and let me work full-time if that is the solution I can come up with and agree. I was surprised by my own reaction: I screamed my lungs off saying he wants the "easy way out" and "stay home happily while I slogged and fed the family"!!

Do I envy the SAHM? Not at all! It is hard-work, and best suited for people who have made that choice and stuck to it.

Am I proud to be a WOHM? Not at all! I have made a choice and am trying my best to stick to it and make things work.

Is one inherently better than the other? Clearly not, or we wouldn't be having this age-old battle in our minds.

While I wanted to bring in the income we sorely needed to keep up the middle-class lifestyle, I also wanted to be everything to my baby, caring and nurturing and raising her happy, basking in her development.

As I had written earlier, many women don't come to this decision - of being a WOHM - lightly or easily.

The dance with the numbers is a tough one. We calculated and re-calculated the budget to see if there was any way we could make it meager-er:
--We don't have cable or DirecTV or any such additional expense;
--we have basic land-line phone with no extras like call-waiting, call-forwarding or even voicemail, as we have a good cell phone deal and have relied on it for all our telephonic needs;
--we buy in bulk from Costco and buy our groceries from local farms getting mostly seasonal produce and maybe some other fancy stuff from one of the eclectic places nearby, plus growing our own as much as possible (season-permitting);
--we are very careful about electricity - unplug wall outlets when not in use (except TV, of course), turn off lights as soon as we exit the area, energy-star rated dishwasher/fridge/oven/water-heater etc.,;
--we decided to use only one car for all our needs (keeping the second one only for emergencies) and plan the shopping trips and commute to work/daycare and such to minimize waste...

Now, if only just recovering the daycare expense by being an SAHM would have made our budget balance better...

Circumstances arranged themselves to make it a necessity for me to supplement D's income. I try to look upon it as a partnership where the sole burden of providing for the family should not rest on his shoulders. By the same token, D looks at raising Ana as a partnership and has helped a lot in taking care of her say two or three evenings a week to give me a couple of hours off to take care of myself and my needs.

A lot of Life is about compromise, planning and doing what seems best under the given constraints.

Either I can complain about it, or, find a good work around to establish some semblance of balance in my world.

My solution was to look at a job as just a job, not a career path, not something that would define me in the long run, but something that helps me raise my family in a comfortable way.

Also, my mom is my role-model in that sense - she worked as a teacher all her life, and raised us, and is a great cook and does wonderful crafts and sewing and such. So, naturally, I consider myself a failure if I can't do at least as much as she showed me it was possible to do.

Besides, we kids turned out fine despite my mom being a WOHM, so, I am possibly not depriving Ana of a well-rounded childhood by not being an SAHM...

But, the day and age in which my mom worked is different from my work situation. At least as far as IT goes, when projects need to be delivered on a deadline, one cannot excuse oneself and work only from 9-5 and head home and forget all about it until the next day.

That aside, my mom had neighbors and family around to walk us kids to school, bring us back, feed us, play with us and know we are safe even if my mom (and dad) had to work late some days. Such resources are hard to come by here, unless one is very lucky indeed!

Also, who doesn't want to be one's own boss, and command one's time as one wishes, instead of pretty much being a bonded laborer on someone else's clock and payroll? Alas! Not many of us really have that luxury, except sincerely wish for circumstances that let us make such a decision and abide by it - for better or worse...

But, would I be happier as an SAHM? I'll never know... but, all I know is happiness is a state of mind that comes from accepting the situation one is given and making the best of it, drawing a sense of contentment about the way things are instead of constantly trying to make the current situation better.

As I had written in another post, the need for perfection, the need for things to be a certain way before one can feel inner peace, is clearly convoluted, and conflicts with achieving the said inner peace.

If we are striving for something to be better than it currently is, well, therein lies the paradox...

Somehow, despite all the Feminism and Equal Rights, it irks me when D suggests that it is not fair for him to bear the sole burden of providing for the family. Especially when "providing for the family" involves more than the basic Food, Clothing and Shelter.

Why have I subconsciously come to accept that the Man should not have a choice? Why am I worked up about making my choice, knowing that I have the luxury to make a choice, whereas upset when the roles are reversed?

Rhetorical as these questions may be, sometimes, there are no easy answers to our brooding. Hopefully, I am making the choice that is right for my situation, just as other women have done over generations and will continue to do way past my lifetime...

An edited version of this post also up at DMC...

it's that time again...

The furrowed brow, the wrinkled nose, the unintentional tripping on the hardwood floor, the serious admonishing of the wall for jumping out of nowhere to bump me... all can mean only one, well, one of many, things...

Every few months, I turn into a practicing contortionist trying to perform the happy dance while sliding down the slippery slope of contemplating the possibility of being an SAHM...

I have tremendous respect bordering on awe for all the wonderful SAHMs, especially the plucky ones with more than one offspring to shepherd...ummm... nurture all day, all night, day-in, day-out, without much break, without much (paid or unpaid) help from responsible adults...

Most people, moi aussi, don't work for hobby, unfortunately. They work to make a living, to put a roof over the head, to put food on the table, to pay off the student loans which they thought was an investment in their future only to find that it didn't quite give them the edge they were told it would.

No, I don't think SAHM is a walk in the park, unless it is the Serengeti we are talking about...

If only things were as simple as in the good old days... No doubt, if my mom hadn't worked, things would have been tight but we would certainly have managed fine... however, the many things that I have managed to do would have remained a distant dream. That's a sobering thought.

Plus, there is always the nagging insecure feeling that I may not be as relaxed and perfect as I imagine my SAHM-self to be - it is hard work, greatly rewarding, but still back-breaking, spirit-wrestling hard work!

What triggers these self-inflicted conflicts in my mind? Well, one thing for sure is when my baby walks home and imitates her daycare caregivers - be it words, be it actions... It pinches my heart when in an affected and exaggerated tone my baby chides, "No Amma, sticker not on the head, oh-kaaayyy? Put it on the paper" when I try to stick a bindi on her forehead, or, "Uh-Oh speel, wipe please, clean up!" parroting the way her caregiver talks to the kids in her class... That didn't come from me, she should be mimicking me...

And as I explained to D, it is not any twisted form of jealousy that acts as a catalyst in these periodic bouts of second-guessing the status quo; it is the fact that had I been around her all day, she would naturally pick up things from me, and, therefore, do I have many things that are worth picking up? Am I adequate enough to be a role model for the tender mind?

Fortunately, when I get distressed, I try to remember that I want to send Ana to college, give her a good head start in life, support her morally and financially in what she has the potential and aptitude to do... which, of course, brings me back to the futility of even contemplating being an SAHM, given the current set of constraints.

Ergo, logic prevails, sanity takes charge, I run to the laptop, tap away at the keyboard, pour the aching heart out and get ready for another day filled with the hope that things will get better and I can consider being an SAHM... even if the timing is all off.

is my ambivalence a luxury?

I have gone back and forth on this in my mind for several months now: Should I quit my job and stay home with TJOML till she is ready for school?

I know I might be putting many readers off: either because the answer is obvious, or because it is aggravating that I have the luxury of pondering on this dilemma.

I WANT to stay home with TJOML. I want to be her everything. I want her to learn and discover with me, through me. I want her to know I am always there for her.

But, I am also afraid I will find being a stay-at-home-mom (SAHM) a bit overwhelming, exhausting, frustrating and possibly maddening... and worst of all I am afraid I may not be built for it.

Not because of any lack of love - I know I can't possibly love anything as much as I love TJOML - but because of human limitations like self-doubt, guilt, fear of falling short of expectations, wondering if i am doing the best as a mom always...

In my mind, being a SAHM equates to (a) not expecting much from my husband regarding taking care of baby and (b) relying on my husband to be the sole bread-winner/provider for the family. (a) could be maddening and (b) could potentially crush the self-reliant spirit

These seem superficial somehow, especially compared to the need for food and shelter, which is primarily why many moms have to take up a job.

And yes, we were in the same boat a few years back - unemployed and desperate. But, thankfully, we had not yet welcomed TJOML then and we could get by...

I've had to dismiss the idea of part-time job in my field - projects need to get done, and when things are in your plate with a set deadline, full-timers end up working 16 hr days and part-timers are probably expected to at least work 8 hr days, for the same pay!

What about part-time job as check-out cashier or barista? Well, who would hire me for a 10-12 hr/ week job? Besides, most stores have self check out registers in my neighborhood and it seems counter-intuitive to have to drive 10-15 miles to work as a check-out girl or barista for minimum wage and no benefits, plus end up paying more for someone to watch my baby while i am away at my job. Of course, there's also the nagging issue of wasting one's hard-earned education and training...

Will my baby benefit more from me staying at home with her, considering she seems well-adjusted to daycare now and seems to have fun playing with other kids?
Will I be able to socialize enough to manage play dates and developmental activities with enough structure and discipline?
Will each day just be a long string of challenges trying to do the best for my baby and feeling that i am probably falling short?

On the flip-side:
Will my baby lose out on much-needed bonding because i am packing her off to daycare now?
Will my baby end up liking her daycare care-giver more than me? (this one nags me quite a bit...)

But:
Won't my baby grow up affectionate and attached to her mom as Nature intended if she spends her first 5 years at home with her mom?
Won't she just blossom and thrive in my attention and care much better than in some stranger's limited care?
Couldn't she potentially get quite fluent and proficient in second language if i can have her at home with me and speak exclusively in my mother tongue all the time...

And then there are other lurking issues:
What is it I am afraid of about quitting my job? Is it that I may never find another one? Or, is it that I will be far-removed from latest trends in my field that when I do decide it is a good time to get back in the workforce after my sojourn as SAHM, I will not be employable in my field? I am only planning to take a couple of years off, but, what if i need for it to be longer? Am i afraid of not being able to make myself skilled and marketable while on this hiatus so that i should feel 'ready' to enter the workforce down the road?

Having had the ground pulled from under my feet when my husband and i found ourselves unemployed after the crash in 2000, with no nest-egg to dip into, I am very conscious of all that we've gone through and would not want to find ourselves in that situation again. Which necessitates that we plan for the future well. But, if we are working hard and still just getting by, what is wrong here?

The dance with the numbers is a tough one: can we afford all the things we need (as opposed to want) with just a median single income? Tight as things are, can we make it any tighter so I can stay home with my baby? Certainly it should help to recover the daycare expenses each month, but, will that cover all our commitments, minimal as they are, plus help build a nest-egg of sorts?

When my income becomes superfluous and we can manage on a single income, meaning - get by just fine - am i being irresponsible by not planning for the future? What if I want to send my baby to college? Should I not work as hard as I can and put away enough for her future? I certainly want to... which clearly means, I cannot afford to quit my job. But, is that all life is all about? Plan and work for future, while letting the present slip by?

I come from a culture where parents strive to give the best they can for their children for as long as they can and for as long as their children don't politely decline the help. I appreciate that. I admire that. I am grateful for that. I couldn't have done half the things were it not for the support of my parents.

I am usually good at making everyday decisions, analyzing pros and cons for making necessary choices and then sticking to it. But, when it comes to this issue, I feel lost. I feel my emotions start pulling me every which way and I feel quite torn... I seem to be caught in a vicious circle when i start to chase this issue logically and rationally.

I hope this ambivalence is just temporary and clarity will soon emerge from the chaos in my head.

progress is a strange thing

My aunt, a genuine rocket scientist, gave birth to her beautiful baby in India. I was only a freshman in high school then. She took about 9-months maternity leave, mostly paid, knew her job was not at stake because of her new motherhood, and knew she had the option to quit.

Not quite mature enough to grasp the profundity of motherhood and the associated struggle working women go through, I thought, 'wow. how nice. when i grow up, i too will get to be a great mom and a smart career-woman'. This is progress.

Not so. While part of me wants to believe (and blame) men's increasingly unchivalrous descent from being the Provider for the family as the reason for the predicament new moms face today - viz., to work for a living or not - the rational side of me tries to see that the problem is slightly more complex and involved. Like it or not, it appears that single-income families have been left out of Natural Selection. They are doomed for extinction.

Setting aside facts like disparity in wages, downsizing, outsourcing, and other nagging issues, when I became a new mom, I was struck by the fact that work-place and employers have not made much progress in meeting the needs of working mothers.

It is naive to simply dismiss this as an individual woman's "choice" - viz., to work for a living or not - once they become mothers. But, that's another issue.

What i wanted to get across today is that once a new mother, out of necessity or not, has decided to work for a living, it somehow seems like it is entirely her burden to bear. She makes the trade-offs she has to live with - damned if she tries, and damned if she doesn't.

Being a new mom in IT field who got a 30-day matenity leave (small companies need not adhere to FMLA) and went back to work, i knew not to expect progressive policies from IT employers who were outsourcing and reducing pay scales...

Being my baby's primary care-giver - because i am wired for it, because Nature built me for it and most of all, because i want to be her everything - i am convinced that i should not have to work full-time, manage household, pack off my baby to daycare (one that meets my budget, but not all my needs) and pretend everything is fine. ...

In my green 9th grade brain, I had visualized this utopia:
- best quality daycare center and children's play areas in every office building where a new mother can safely leave her infant/child and drop by to nurse/feed/play as often as she needed/wanted
- parks near offices where working parents can take their children on lunch breaks
- paid time off if baby needs to visit her doctor, or mommy needs to visit her doctor
- working hard, but, limited hours, always remembering family is topmost priority and job comes next
- working loyally for one's company, where loyalty is recognized and appreciated
- growing old with the company, just like with one's family
- having month long summer vacations each year, paid vacation because employer values you, and knows vacation will recharge you so you can come back and work with renewed vigor

once kids start going to school, it is whole new ball-game, but, if the start is good when they are under 3, things will fall in place as they grow up. right?

are these so far-fetched?
are we being unrealistic?
should we stop expecting these because we are asking for "too much"?